Strings of Life

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Results

Blogging - an open expression of those complex matters of the contriet heart and mind. Be it one's inner most fear, desire or pain - blogging. That's what I'm doing now... I think... finding a way to let it all out - to express - to proclaim - to let go.

I want it to end - fast. Just take, look and go. I see no need for those long speeches - they never mean it anyway - "good job" or "you've done your best" ; "don't worry" or "it's alright" - phony! After almost 19 years, you can decern that "I-told-you-so" face or attitude. "Pity" still is the last thing I want.

Reduced to a mere sheet of paper. Remember Terrance Goh telling me that 3 years ago - there's education for you. I'm not saying that it's wrong but well, I'll find out soon - whatever those papers read. No one may judge me but myself on this. No one. I define success - I define failure. I define.

I.

My mind has been hard at work considering all various permutations of the senarios that may occur - ABBC, BBBC, BBCC, BCDD, BCDE, CCDE, CDDE and even CDEO. Haven't tried the Fs yet. Don't wish too. Now, what did I miss out? Permuations. Interesting ain't they. They decide your future!

I don't see how I'll possibly "take-what-comes". It's like starting at yourself in the mirror and saying "I shall not fear Fear." Ghost Rider, ya. Possible. Impossible. Perhaps. Take what comes.

Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Negative or positive. Ah! Crap!

It's just that blow... that one blow that I can't anticipate. The moment Cheng hands me my destiny. His face... his voice. I don't wanna see or hear. Take and go. I can't anticipate - I can't visualise. Dreams - idealised - I hope not... Don't think so ba...

The clock ticks - second by second - eventually it'll come.

Let it come. I've seen enough I guess... just one more step. Just one more. And you're not alone this time. Let it all go. Let it all go. Let it all go. Let go. Go!

God - help. You see through the confusion. You know what I don't. You know. Show me and guard me. Be there as You always have.

That moment. That very moment. Hold on.

For it has been written.

Let it all go - gone.

Kai :: 11:47 PM

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

9 Months

At midnight's strike,
The shadows fade.
A baby birthed,
My life begins.

9 Months.

Tumble within a lonesome child
Hurdled up from the fiercesome storm.
Sheltered from weather, gaurded from fire.
Baby's crib unwoobled.

9 Months.

Grow child - steady now,
First steps are meant to be hard.
But once you go don't look back,
Move on and let go.

9 Months.

You grew.
You swam.
You slept.

9 Months.

I grew.
I sat.
I slept.

9 Months.

We grew.
We loved.
We slept.

9 Months - and so it goes on.

Live life's love.

Kai :: 12:55 AM

Monday, February 12, 2007

Bowling

Bowling... Won Samuel Poh in two consecutive games although I've gotta admit that that kid's not bad at the sport. Finally, something that he's good at. =) Well, scorechart read 96, 96 with the kids for me. With Jiexin, it was 102, 72. Hahax. Guess I got tired in the end. Hehex.

Anyway... spent one half of the day with my kids and the other half with jiexin. Watched Kiss Me Again... Meaningful show. Hehex. The complexities of love - what can be given and what may not. Heavily ironic plot - knowledge and understanding versus love. Love is somehow possessive - there are unspoken rules in place - don't bother understanding it because it can't. Well, come to think of it, that's exactly what I shared with my kids earlier in the day. Coincidence? Guess not. =) Love, undefined, should be the way it is. It's too complicated for a mortal to understand anyway. Hehex. It's just an action to be relished and treasured... remembered at times... grown and nurtured at others. Love. Hmmm... it's the little things and well, accomodation. Cross reference to the quintessential example of Jesus? Ya... guess what that it is. Remembering the little things and when it seems like it's failing, call upon those memories. Hmmm.. Ya. Knowing and understanding... remembering.. treasuring. Uhuh. Communication ain't all - but the personal effort to keep oneself in check and well, also ensuring that your spouse or partner is supported. Mutual support. Uhuh. Ok.. random. =) Love ain't meant to be defined or explained. It's too complicated. Leave God to that task...

Ok... besides all of the above, I'm currently trying to learn to play and sing Ju Hua Tai. Meow... I suck at chinese so ya, it's a challenge.. for me and my dear jiexin who's gonna have to patiently and desperately teach me the song. Hahax. =) I will practice. I will, I will! Hehex..

But for now.. SLEEP! Gotta go work later! Hahax...

Good night world, I'm off to bed!

Kai :: 12:45 AM

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Hearted Words

Hearted Words

Down-throddened, delated, disheartened.
A heart that worries in pain
Of what the next sunrise may bring.
A soul that yearns but never
May receive the satisfaction that it needs.
Broken, lost, desolate.

Strained strings play its final
Melencholic song.
Stretched strings cry to this
Worryig melody.

Who shapes the music?
The player.

Who defines the music?
The critic.

Who develops the music?
The conductor.

Who appreciates the music?
No one.

Results from
Others.
Others shape
Results.
Each step,
A path.
Each choice,
A seal.

Yor choice
To grade me.

Kai :: 12:37 AM

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Happy Day

Spent the whole day with Jiexin today... took leave off from work to slack together. Hahax. Initially wanted to go to school to help StAJe but well, think something happened at the eleventh hour so rehearsal was disrupted. So ya, stayed home and played GTA while she dozed away on Yang's bed. Hahax. Ok.. that was the morning la... Went to Bridge Road to get some of her earring stuff - little metal thingys and eh, butterflies? Hahax. Well, I think I'm finally understanding why God didn't make me a girl. Hahax. Never appreciated these things. But well, it was an educational trip - people who sell earrings make a hell lot of profits! You can actually get a bag of 100 genuine crystals for eh, S$9? That's like the price of a normal earring that you see at the shops lo. Hahax. Talk about a total rip off. Hahax. I'm thankful for the resourceful girlfriend I have. Hehex. =)

Mmmmx... we took a slow walk to Bugis after the accessory shopping in seach of food. Food oh glorious food... hahax. I was craving for Katong Laksa so ya, was sturbbon and insisted that we eat Katong Laksa and ONLY Katong Laksa. Hehex. So we walked and we walked until we got to like Sim Lim Square there. Saw this Dizi player selling Dizi. Somehow, we both just walked over to him and eh, watched him play and show off lo. Haha. Then he passed me a flute to try... right... Jun Kai is pretty rusty with flutes... let alone a Dizi? Hahax. Fooled around a bit with the instruments and got a free lesson from him on how to handle and play a Dizi. Hehex. Slowly, I ~~feel~~ fell in love with the chinese instrument... haha.. nice guy la. =) and well, I do have to admit that I kinda miss playing the flute - but eh, try something new ba... dizi. =) we asked how much the flute cost before walking off for our dinner. Stomach was growling already so ya, didn't want to torture ourselves and further.

Talked about the Dizi guy over dinner then well, went back to look for him. Played around with the flutes a little more and guess what... Jiexin bought me one! Hahax. I love her... hahax... sweet! And it wasn't exactly cheap la... so ya, nice! Hahax. I love instruments... let alone a flute from her? Hahax. I'm so gonna learn to perform with it.. hahax. =) Happy! Bought her a "dunno-the-name" from the uncle too so that she could play around with it. Supposed to be like lucky so eh, why not? Hehex. Ah... I got a nice nice dizi now.. very happy.. hehex... Oh ya! The uncle said that I'm at least a grade three or four for dizi... haha... wonder how he could tell from my rubbish fiddling. Hahax. Wasn't even playing? Hahax... Ok.. he's a nice guy so I shaln't trust him too much on the grading thingy. =) Mmmmx.. we attracted a lot of people for him though... I was like playing and playing then got a lot of people gathered around. Hahax. Reminds me of the good old performing days... Hahax. But well, it's better now la. *winks*

Went over to her house after the long shopping and walking trip. Helped her repack her beads... tough job.. another reason why I'm not a girl. Tiny tiny beads that are mixed up are like super hard to sort... got what different size, different colour, different design.. different everything? Hahax. Then got messed up so slowly help her sort lo. Hahax. She terms such an activity as 'sorting the beads game'. Hahax. Interesting way to add fun to such a tedious and straineous task? Hahax. Well, I helped nevertheless... Bead by bead... hahax... quite fun i guess. =)

Went home at about 11:30PM and packed my ~~cardboard~~ cupboard. Cleared out all the unwanted CDs and dust. Found several empty CD cases too - wonder where all the CDs went too. Hahax. Made space for my flute and the new dizi. Hahax. They're happily resting together in a spacious corner in the cardboard now. Hahax. Lucky them. Hehex... and lucky me! =)

Mmmm... I wonder when I'll be starting work - Jovyn better call me soon - stay at home will get bored and grow mould de. Hehex. Going to help StAJe tomorrow (or rather later today) so guess I better get some sleep now. Hahax.

Good night world.
Today was a happy day.

edited by: ME!!!~ =) (1328hr, 06/02/07)

Kai :: 1:07 AM